And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
