One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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