im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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