True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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