Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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