Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
