Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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