Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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