wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
