my phone needs a breathalizer
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
