We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My vagina is very pro this idea
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
