they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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