The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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