apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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