You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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