he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
