this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
