How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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