Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
