my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
