My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Houston, we have a blender
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize