if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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