I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
