I faked an abortion last night.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
