You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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