I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize