You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
