if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize