Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
