Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
