I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
