God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
