It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
