nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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