I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
