She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Too much gin, very little bucket
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
