I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
please don't ironically join a cult
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