once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
