so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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