the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I am one with the molecules
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
