I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i love accidental penises.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
