My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
