Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize