Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
