i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
