I can text with my tongue
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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