If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
