i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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