Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
