so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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