I didn't shave. On purpose
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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