Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
