??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
