Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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