I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
