"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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