I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
