don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You are a genius and a whore.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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