trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
